On Air Staff
Producer Todd
Monday - Friday: 12:00 AM - 5:30 AM
Saturday: 12:00 AM - 5:00 AM
Todd Prater
"Producer Todd"
I started working in Radio in 1984 just to put gas in the car and beer in the fridge while I was in school at Alabama. Well…I ended up changing my major to Communications and here I am all these years later. I guess it is in the blood though…my Mom and Dad met in a recording studio where she was the voice talent and he was a musician playing on commercials!
I am happily married and have three sons that are my life! The oldest came in a package deal with my wife the other two are because of me. I love being a dad!
My hobby is collecting, working on and driving old VW’s. My kids love going camping in our old VW bus camper. I also love history. I love going on archeology and palentology digs. Especially Southeastern Native American sites here in Alabama.
My other hobby is collecting Classic Rock n Roll!
If you like VWs check out this link! Join up and have fun with us! http://www.centralalvwclub.com/ and if you like camping go to http://www.busbrigade.com .
JIMI HENDRIX: Top Guitarist Readers of Gibson.com, along with a few musicians recruited by the site -- including Jeff Cease of The Black Crowes -- were asked to list their top guitarists. Coming out on top is someone more known for playing a Fender rather than a Gibson --- Jimi Hendrix. At number two is a Gibson Les Paul loyalist Jimmy Page, followed by Keith Richards at three, Eric Clapton at four, Chuck Berry at five, Jeff Beck at six, Eddie Van Halen at seven, the late Chet Atkins at eight, blues legend Robert Johnson at nine and Pete Townshend wraps up the Top 10. --Sal Cirrincione 1) Jimi Hendrix 11) George Harrison 21) Johnny Marr 31) Bo Diddley 41) David Gilmour 2) Jimmy Page 12) Stevie Ray Vaughan 22) Les Paul 32) Ry Cooder 42) TIE -- Richard Thompson 3) Keith Richards 13) Jack White 23) The Edge 33) Scotty Moore 42) TIE - John Frusciante 4) Eric Clapton 14) Prince 24) Ron Asheton 34) Slash 42) TIE -- Rory Gallagher 5) Chuck Berry 15) Steve Cropper 25) Angus Young 35) Buddy Guy 42) TIE -- Clarence White 6) Jeff Beck 16) Mike Bloomfield 26) Neil Young 36) TIE -- Charlie Christian 42) TIE -- Hubert Sumlin 7) Eddie Van Halen 17) B.B. King 27) Danny Gatton 36) TIE -- Mike Campbell 47) TIE - Andres Segovia 8) Chet Atkins 18) Wes Montgomery 28) Ed O'Brien & Jonny Greenwood (Radiohead) 38) Lou Reed 47) Robert Fripp 9) Robert Johnson 19) Mick Ronson 29) Duane Allman 39) Frank Zappa 49) TIE -- Kurt Cobain 10) Pete Townshend 20) Django Reinhardt 30) Roy Buchanan 40) Steve Jones 49) TIE -- Ritchie Blackmore A mondegreen is the mishearing or misinterpretation of a phrase, typically a standardized phrase such as a line in a poem or a lyric in a song, due to near homophony, in a way that gives it a new meaning. American writer Sylvia Wright coined the term in her essay "The Death of Lady Mondegreen," published in Harper's Magazine In the essay, Wright described how, as a young girl, she misheard the final line of the first stanza from the 17th-century ballad "The Bonnie Earl O' Murray." She wrote: The actual fourth line is "And laid him on the green". Wright explained the need for a new term: "The point about what I shall hereafter call mondegreens, since no one else has thought up a word for them, is that they are better than the original." My song! That old VW camper in the pic above, and below, is what I drive on a daily basis. It is not something that will win any races. Since I have such a limited top speed, I wrote a parody song to help everone understand and maybe not be so pissed off when they get behind me! For the first summer in 21 years, Birmingham will be without a three-day music festival on its downtown streets. We’ll have other events in town, of course, from the ONB Magic City Art Connection to Do Dah Day to the Schaeffer Eye Center Crawfish Boil. But none of them will be quite as large -- or half as controversial -- as the $2.3 million fest that struggled for much of the past decade and went kaput in 2009. For some concertgoers, arguing about the City Stages lineup, dates, organization and finances became as traditional as marking their calendars for Father’s Day weekend. Well, it’s time to give all that a rest, and focus on other music options. Here's a brief guide to 10 festivals in Alabama, set for late April through mid-June: When: Friday-Saturday, April 30-May 1. Where: Downtown Birmingham, at Richard Arrington Jr. Boulevard North between 22nd and 24th streets. Notable acts: Alice in Chains, the B-52s, others TBA. Rock, hard rock and pop acts typically are on the agenda. Tickets: Prices to be announced. Last year’s tickets were $20-$75. Good to know: The boil is a for-profit event produced by Red Mountain Entertainment. Organizer Jack Schaeffer donates a portion of the proceeds to charity each year. In the past, recipients have included Camp Smile-a-Mile and Camp Seale Harris. Worth the trip?: Organizers appear to have their fingers on the pulse of Birmingham's music tastes. Expect a youngish, party-hearty crowd and an atmosphere that some compare to the strip at Panama City. Where: Gulf Shores, near the intersection of Alabama 59 and East Beach Boulevard. Notable acts: Trey Anastasio and Classic TAB, Ben Harper and Relentless7, Flaming Lips, Zac Brown Band, John Legend, Alison Krauss & Union Station featuring Jerry Douglas, Blind Boys of Alabama, Black Crowes, Gov’t Mule, Ray LaMontagne, Michael Franti & Spearhead, Matisyahu. Tickets: $115 for three-day pass, $82 daily, $300-$500 VIP. Good to know: Four stages are planned: two on the beach, one on the grounds of The Hangout nightclub and restaurant, and one in a lot near the Surf Style store. Worth the trip?: Hefty ticket prices for a first-time fest make us go "hmm." The lineup is impressive, however, and a beach event offers built-in atmosphere. When: Saturday, May 15. Pet parade starts around 11 a.m. There's usually early music, too. Where: Caldwell and Rhodes parks, off Highland Avenue in Birmingham's Southside. Notable acts: TBA, usually a mix of local and regional acts, plus a national headliner. Tickets: Admission is free, but there's a registration fee to walk or ride in the parade. Proceeds benefit animal charities and shelters such as the Greater Birmingham Humane Society and Friends of Cats and Dogs Foundation. Good to know: Do Dah Eve, a kick-off party at 7 p.m. May 14, will be held at a Birmingham nightclub. Do Dah kings and queens (human and animal candidates who raise money with $1 votes) will be crowned that evening. Worth the trip?: The pet parade is a reliable hoot, with crazy costumes, cute critters and homespun floats. When: Friday-Saturday, May 21-22 and May 28-29. Where: 416 N. McDonough St., Montgomery. Notable acts: TBA. The festival typically books a variety of headliners, from rock to hip-hop to country. Tickets: $25-$35 daily for Jubilee BrewFest (first weekend); $25 two-day pass for music festival (second weekend), $10 daily for admission to two main stages, $5-$125 for other events. Good to know: Jubilee CityFest has grown this year, stretching to two weekends and adding a beer-and-food festival. The schedule includes a run, a fish fling, a fireworks cruise, a bass tournament and areas for children and teens. Worth the trip?: Hard to tell, from a music perspective. But there’s a lot going on, and the new BrewFest should be popular with the craft-beer crowd. More info: 334-834-7220. Where: The festival has a new location, on a 220-acre property off Marion County 59. It’s about 80 miles northwest of Birmingham. Notable acts: Sam Bush, Tornado Rider, Dread Clampitt, Missy Raines & the New Hip, Blue Ribbon Healers, Brick Room Boys. Tickets: $40 advance, $50 at the gate, $10 parking fee. Good to know: Many regulars choose to camp at this festival, setting up tents and the like. Motor homes and trailers can be parked on the site this year. Worth the trip?: Masterson puts on a unique event that reflects his tastes and personality. Fine players and fast pickers are the norm, along with a relaxed atmosphere and a charming hippie vibe. More info: 205-647-3237. When: Thursday-Saturday, June 3-5. Where: North of Enterprise, off Alabama 167 and Coffee County 156. Notable acts: Kenny Chesney, Hank Williams Jr., Zac Brown Band, Travis Tritt, Jamey Johnson, Dierks Bentley, Marty Stuart & His Fabulous Superlatives, Randy Houser, Jake Owen, Miranda Lambert, Train, Citizen Cope, Gregg Allman, Buddy Guy, Gretchen Wilson, Robert Earl Keen. Tickets: $130-$179 for weekend pass, $99 for children ages 7-15, $365 VIP. Camping is $85 for tents, $165 and $1,000 for RVs. Good to know:. Want your own port-a-potty at the festival? It’ll cost you $100. Worth the trip?: BamaJam is the brainchild of Ronnie Gilley Entertainment and was modeled on the Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival in Manchester, Tenn. More info: 877-422-6252. When: Saturday, June 5. Gates open at 9 a.m., and the fest lasts all day. Where: Municipal Park, off Warrior Drive, Alabaster. Notable acts: Travis Tritt, others TBA. There’s typically a country headliner, a rock headliner and a handful of local and regional acts. Tickets: Admission is free. Good to know: Includes a classic car cruise-in, children's activities, crafts and vendors. Worth the trip?: Well, you can’t beat the price. This event has strong community support -- organizers expect about 50,000 people to attend this year - and it's a fun day out for families. More info: 205-664-9273. Where: The Preserve community in Hoover. Notable acts: Gerald Albright, the Southern Gentlemen featuring Eric Essix, Joey Sommerville, Michael Ward, Phil Davis. Tickets: $40, including a T-shirt; $25 to register for Jogging for Jazz, a new 10K run and walk Good to know: Bring lawn chairs, blankets and small coolers. No parking allowed on site; shuttles run from Regions Park to The Preserve. Acts perform outside the community center. Worth the trip?: The Preserve is a lovely setting and this event is well organized. Look out for rain -- it tends to dampen the spirits of concertgoers -- but folks rave about the event under clear skies. More info: 205-390-3800. When: Friday and Saturday, June 11 and 12. Gates open 4 p.m. June 11, 1 p.m. June 12. Where: Albert Rains Boulevard, on the banks of the Coosa River, Gadsden. Notable acts: Tracy Lawrence, Kellie Pickler, KC and the Sunshine Band, Everclear, Night Ranger. Tickets: $25 for a two-day pass, $7 for children ages 6-11. Good to know: Includes kids' activities and arts-and-crafts vendors. Worth the trip?: Organizers have made a decent start. But with several holes in the schedule, the jury’s still out. More info: 256-543-3472. When: Friday and Saturday, June 11 and 12. Where: Strand Park in downtown Alexander City on June 11, Lake Martin Amphitheater on June 12. Notable acts: TBA; Wildman Steve will emcee both nights. Tickets: Admission is free. Good to know: Don't be misled by the name of this event; it typically has a blues-rock focus. And don't look for it in the same spot on both days; the fest is split between two locations. Worth the trip?: Organizers have a good track record, booking a couple of big-name headliners each year. And hey, it’s free. More info: 256-234-3461. The younger Lennon said on Twitter that his mother, Yoko Ono, "did not do it for money... It's just hard to find new ways to keep dad in the new world. Not many things as effective as T-V." --Mike McCann PURPLE, ZEPPELIN & RUSH: Top Concert Albums (audio) Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin and Rush are among the classic rock acts who made the list of the greatest live albums of all time. In a poll conducted by U-K radio station Planet Rock, Thin Lizzy is tops with Live and Dangerous, followed by Purple's Made in Japan. --Sal Cirrincione 1. THIN LIZZY - Live and Dangerous 21. LYNYRD SKYNYRD - One More From the Road 2. DEEP PURPLE - Made in Japan 22. MOTORHEAD - No Sleep 'Til Hammersmith 3. UFO - Strangers in the Night 23. HUMBLE PIE - Rockin' the Fillmore 4. THE WHO - Live at Leeds 24. URIAH HEEP - Live 1973 5. AC/DC - If You Want Blood, You Got It 25. LED ZEPPELIN - How The West Was Won 6. IRON MAIDEN - Live After Death 26. QUEEN - Live at Wembley '86 7. PINK FLOYD - Pulse 27. ASIA - Fantasia 8. PETER FRAMPTON - Frampton Comes Alive 28. RORY GALLAGHER - Irish Tour '74 9. KISS - Alive 29. WHITESNAKE - Live in the Heart of the City 10. GENESIS - Seconds Out 30. ALLMAN BROTHERS BAND - Live at Fillmore East 11. STATUS QUO - Live! 31. SLADE - Slade Alive 12. YES - Yessongs 32. METALLICA - S-&-M 13. JETHRO TULL - Bursting Out 33. ROLLING STONES - Get Yer Ya Ya's Out 14. HAWKWIND - Space Ritual 34. FREE - Live 15. CHEAP TRICK - At Budokan 35. RUSH - Rush In Rio 16. WISHBONE ASH - Live Dates (1973) 36. THUNDER - 20 Years and Out: Hammersmith Apollo July 2009 17. LED ZEPPELIN - The Song Remains the Same 37. RAINBOW - On Stage 18. QUEEN - Live Killers 38.Woodstock 19. RUSH - All the World's a Stage 39. DAVID GILMOUR - Live in Gdansk 20. RUSH - Exit Stage Left 40. JUDAS PRIEST - Unleashed in the East HELLO Tech Support Mujibar was trying to get a job in India The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job." Mujibar said, "I am ready" The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready" The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'" Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him. I have! INTERESTING STUFF It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language. than the U.S. Treasury. women can hear better. who walk to work: 28% (now get this...) to the age of eleven: U.S. in any given hour: in their hair.. Tom Sawyer. are the only mobile National Monuments. a great king from history: = 12,345,678,987,654,321 If the horse has one front leg in Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but What is the most popular boat name requested? how far would you have to go until you than any other day of the year? mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. Hence the phrase... 'Goodnight, sleep tight' It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down..' 'mind your P's and Q's' of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill , 'Wet your whistle' lick their elbow! Believe it or not, you can read it. waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? when... e-mail addresses. Go lick your elbow. How did these people survive? when we are already there? when you know the batteries are dead? 28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ? UPS Air Cargo P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. THIS IS HARD TO BELEIVE. HOW SAD! Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approximately two thousand people, went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule. 4 minutes later: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again. 10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly. 45 minutes: 1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition. This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities. The questions raised: *In a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? *Do we stop to appreciate it? *Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context? If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made, how many other things are we missing? How many special persons pass us by and we do not MAKE ANY EFFORT TO get to know them? Here is a link to the actual article... A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time . 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax . 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you. And the WINNER and last one! 26. Better late than Pregnant DIFFERENT Shoot me an e-mail at todd@rock995.com and let me know what you think! 1) David Gilmour - On an Island 21) David Gilmour - Live in Gdansk 2) Ozzy - Blizzard of Oz 22) Robert Plant - Manic Nirvana 3) Roger Waters - Amused to Death 23) Ace Frehley - Ace Frehley 4) Peter Gabriel - first solo album 24) Jon Anderson - Olias of Sunhillow 5) Fish - 13th Star 25) Neil Young - Harvest 6) Richie Sambora - Stranger in This Town 26) Geddy Lee - My Favorite Headache 7) Pete Townshend - Empty Glass 27) Robert Plant - Pictures at Eleven 8) David Lee Roth - Eat 'Em and Smile 28) Ozzy - Diary of a Madman 9) Robert Plant - Fate of Nations 29) David Gilmour - David Gilmour 10) Gary Moore - Still Got the Blues 30) Alex Lifeson - Victor 11) Chris Squire - Fish Out of Water 31) Eric Clapton - 461 Ocean Boulevard 12) Peter Gabriel - So 32) Steve Perry - Street Talk 13) Bruce Dickinson - The Chemical Wedding 33) David Lee Roth - Skyscraper 14) John Lennon - Imagine 34) Paul Rodgers - Muddy Water Blues 15) Roger Waters - The Pros and Cons of Hitch-Hiking 35) Ozzy - Bark at the Moon 16) Fish - Vigil in a Wilderness of Mirrors 36) Bruce Dickinson - Tattooed Millionaire 17) Peter Gabriel - 3rd solo album 37) David Coverdale - Northwinds 18) George Harrison - AllThingsMustPass 38) Brian May - Another World 19) Peter Frampton - Frampton Comes Alive 39) Bob Catley - Legends 20) Lou Reed - Transformer 40) Bruce Dickinson - Accident of Birth 2010 NASCAR NATIONWIDE SERIES SCHEDULE 2010 NASCAR CAMPING WORLD TRUCK SERIES SCHEDULE Have you ever had to deal with those faceless voic, es over the phone. You know the ones from collections or credit card companies, like this one below? I tend to believe that intellegence is NOT a requirement for these jobs! See below for prime example! Here is something that you may want to know... This may be useful to know when grocery shopping. 690, 691 or 692, the product is MADE IN 
My foot's on the floor pressin' hard on the gas.
No matter how hard I press I still get passed.
When you drive an old bus this is the way.
It happens on every road and every day!!!
(Chorus)
Go on and pass me doin' just 65.
Give me the finger, I will survive.
If you get behind me pass on either side,
'cause I can't drive BUT 55!
Sometimes they run up on me and ride my ass,
but they're takin' pictures as they pass.
Most people give me thumbs up or a peace sign,
but they don't stick around for too much time!
(Chorus)
An old VW bus my not be too fast,
but I make lots of friends when I get there at last.
It usually makes people smile when they see
me driving my old piece of history!
(Chorus)
Get ready for 10 music festivals in Alabama
By Mary Colurso -- The Birmingham News
March 19, 2010, 6:50AM
The B-52s are playing at the 2010 Schaeffer Eye Center Crawfish Boil. (Special / Pieter M. van Hattem)Not to get all Nixonian about it, but critics won’t have City Stages to kick around anymore. 
The Zac Brown Band is among headliners at The Hangout Beach Music & Arts Festival in Gulf Shores. (Special)When: Friday-Sunday, May 14-16, noon to 11 p.m. daily 
Look for Tornado Rider -- we bet he won't be hard to find -- at The Acoustic Cafe. B>When: Friday-Saturday, May 28-29. (Gates open Thursday, May 27.) Music starts around 7 p.m. Friday, 1:30 p.m. Saturday. 
Gerald Albright is booked for the Preserve Jazz Festival. (Special)When: Sunday, June 6. Gates open at 2 p.m.; music starts at 3 p.m.(Posted 3:00 AM, 3/2/2010)
Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
Can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: ' Sir, those are the hours that we are open..'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
Need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
Telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
Number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
Traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
--------------------------------------------- -------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change
The steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
Told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write
The number on.'
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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK . Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
Point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
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Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
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I PERSONALLY LOOOOVE THIS ONE!!!>>>
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should
Have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline,
Which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to
Say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing
The WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
Went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
Type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
Plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? '
Caller: &nbs, p; 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of y, our computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power ... A power failure ? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose.. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Henc, e we have 'the rule of thumb'
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Many years ago in Scotland , a new g, ame was invented.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone..
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Every day more money , is printed for Monopoly
-- ------------ --------- --------
Men can read smaller print than women can;
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people
Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness:
--------- --------- --------- ----
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog
$ 16,400
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The average number of people airborne over the
61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter,
-- ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
The San Francisco Cable cars
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front 2 legs in the air,
the person died in battle.
the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
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Only two people signed the
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
A. Obsession
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q.. If you were to spell out numbers,
would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls
A. Father's Day
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
In Shakespear's time,
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on.
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...
It's where we get the phrase
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle,
they used the whistle to get some service.
is the phrase inspired by this practice.
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave...
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web-site at the bottom of the screen.
8.. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~
NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
ONE
Recently , when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6 , 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have a half dozen nuggets , ' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six , nine , or twelve , ' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets , but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items , she picked up the 'divider' , looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code , she said to me , 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK , ' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing , she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number , so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied , 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm , I don't know. Do you have an alarm , too?' I asked. 'No , just this remote thingy , ' she answered , handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door , I replied , 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!
FIVE
Several years ago , we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said , 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier' , the secretary told her. With that , the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper , put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette , by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried , asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room. The kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine , the mother says , 'I just gave him some ant killer......' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32...62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8 . Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9 . Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only
a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of
us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a
'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems
with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the
Problems; document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted
by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and
The solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never,
ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield..
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
The next time you hear a politician use the
Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
Whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
But one advertising agency did a good job of
Putting that figure into some perspective in
One of it's releases.
A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
Living in the Stone Age.
D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
At the rate our government
Is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ..
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D)
Is presently asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS
To rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
What does it mean?
A.
Well... If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman, and child)
You each get $516,528.
B.
Or... If you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C.
Or... If you are a family of four...
Your family gets $2,066,012..
Washington , D. C
HELLO!
Are all your calculators broken??
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax (Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration T ax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
(And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes)
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
And Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'
And I still have to
Press '1'
For English.
I hope this goes around the
U S A
At least 100 times
What the heck happened?????
The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.
A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:
I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about 'a thousand marbles..' I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say....
' Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It's too bad you missed your daughter's 'dance recital' he continued. 'Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.' And that's when he began to explain his theory of a 'thousand marbles.'
'You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.
'Now then, I multipl, ied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, whic h is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part.
It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail', he went on, 'and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays.' 'I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear.'
'Every Saturday s, ince then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life.
There's nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight .'
<, BR>'Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time.. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.'
'It was nice to meet you To, m, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!'
You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fe, llow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.
Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. 'C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast.' 'What brought this on?' she asked with a smile. 'Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marb, les.
A friend sent this to me, so I to you, my friend.
And so, as one smart bear once said......'If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.' - Winnie the Pooh.
PERCEPTION . . . Something To Think About. . .
The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.
&n, bsp;6 minutes:
The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while... About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.
No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.
One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:
2.. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Daddy, you just make me so mad because you
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with
WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
A little boy went up
to his father and asked: 'Dad, where
did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied, 'Well, son, you must have got it
from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Robinson, I have reviewed this case very
carefully,' the divorce court Judge said,
'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a
week..'
'That's very fair, your honor,' Peter
said. 'And every now and then I'll try
to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the
Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, 'I
don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither, doc,' said the husband. 'But
she's a great cook and really good with the
kids.'
-----------------------------------
An old man goes to
the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse
he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to
put the curse on you..'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce
you man and wife.'
-----------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A
Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York
City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says and hangs up.
-----------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder
of Juan Gonzalez..
'How was he killed?' asked one
detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other
detective replied.
'A golf gun? What is a golf
gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't
believe in Hell.'
-----------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the
surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm OK, but I didn't like the four
letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say?' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
-----------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten
years and twenty pounds since I had even considered
buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd
never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
-----------------------------------
And, the favorite is:
The graveside service
had just barely finished, when there was a
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt
of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in
the distance.
The old man looked at the pastor and calmly
said, 'Well, she's there.
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed
and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines
put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
9. I just got off th e phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright(D) from Alaska
11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
A vehicle at 15 mpg & 12,000 miles per year uses 800 gallons of gasoline.
A vehicle at 25 mpg & 12,000 miles per year uses 480 gallons a year.
So, the average clunker transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year.
They claim 700,000 vehicles – so that's 224 million gallons / year.
That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil.
5 million barrels of oil is about 1Ž4 of one day's US consumption.
And, 5 million barrels of oil costs about $350 million dollars at $75/bbl.
So, we all contributed to spending $3 billion to save $350 million.
How good a deal was that ???
Sounds about Right for a Goverment run entity!
They'll probably do a great job with health care though!!
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave..
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in&nbs p;
the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to send this web address.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself..
Go on, send this link
to your friends. You know you want to!
Charley Reese has been a journalist for 49 years.
545 PEOPLE By Charlie Reese
Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.
Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?
Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?
You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.
You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does.
You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.
You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.
You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.
One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices equates to 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.
I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.
I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason.. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes.
Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.
What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits.. The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.
The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? Nancy Pelosi. She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.
It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million can not replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.
If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.
If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red ..
If the Army & Marines are in IRAQ , it's because they want them in IRAQ
If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way.
There are no insoluble government problems.
Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation," or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.
Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible.
They, and they alone, have the power.
They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses.
Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees.
We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!
Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.
What you do with this article now that you have read it.......... Is up to you. 2010 NASCAR SPRINT CUP SERIES SCHEDULE
Date / Site
Feb. 6 -- Daytona International Speedway (Budweiser Shootout At Daytona *)
Feb. 14 -- Daytona International Speedway
Feb. 21 -- Auto Club Speedway
Feb. 28 -- Las Vegas Motor Speedway
March 7 -- Atlanta Motor Speedway
March 21 -- Bristol Motor Speedway
March 28 -- Martinsville Speedway
April 10 -- Phoenix International Raceway
April 18 -- Texas Motor Speedway
April 25 -- Talladega Superspeedway
May 1 -- Richmond International Raceway
May 8 -- Darlington Raceway
May 16 -- Dover International Speedway
May 22 -- Lowe's Motor Speedway (NASCAR Sprint All-Star Race *)
May 30 -- Lowe's Motor Speedway
June 6 -- Pocono Raceway
June 13 -- Michigan International Speedway
June 20 -- Infineon Raceway
June 27 -- New Hampshire Motor Speedway
July 3 -- Daytona International Speedway
July 10 -- Chicagoland Speedway
July 25 -- Indianapolis Motor Speedway
Aug. 1 -- Pocono Raceway
Aug. 8 -- Watkins Glen International
Aug. 15 -- Michigan International Speedway
Aug. 21 -- Bristol Motor Speedway
Sept. 5 -- Atlanta Motor Speedway
Sept. 11 -- Richmond International Raceway
Sept. 19 -- New Hampshire Motor Speedway
Sept. 26 -- Dover International Speedway
Oct. 3 -- Kansas Speedway
Oct. 10 -- Auto Club Speedway
Oct. 16 -- Lowe's Motor Speedway
Oct. 24 -- Martinsville Speedway
Oct. 31 -- Talladega Superspeedway
Nov. 7 -- Texas Motor Speedway
Nov. 14 -- Phoenix International Raceway
Nov. 21 -- Homestead-Miami Speedway
* - Denotes non-point event.
Date / Site
Feb. 13 -- Daytona International Speedway
Feb. 20 -- Auto Club Speedway
Feb. 27 -- Las Vegas Motor Speedway
March 20 -- Bristol Motor Speedway
April 3 -- Nashville Superspeedway
April 9 -- Phoenix International Raceway
April 17 -- Texas Motor Speedway
April 24 -- Talladega Superspeedway
April 30 -- Richmond International Raceway
May 7 -- Darlington Raceway
May 15 -- Dover International Speedway
May 29 -- Lowe's Motor Speedway
June 5 -- Nashville Superspeedway
June 12 -- Kentucky Speedway
June 19 -- Milwaukee Mile
June 26 -- New Hampshire Motor Speedway
July 2 -- Daytona International Speedway
July 9 -- Chicagoland Speedway
July 17 -- Gateway International Raceway
July 24 -- O'Reilly Raceway Park
July 31 -- Iowa Speedway
Aug. 7 -- Watkins Glen International
Aug. 14 -- Michigan International Speedway
Aug. 20 -- Bristol Motor Speedway
Aug. 29 -- Circuit Gilles Villeneuve
Sept. 4 -- Atlanta Motor Speedway
Sept. 10 -- Richmond International Raceway
Sept. 25 -- Dover International Speedway
Oct. 2 -- Kansas Speedway
Oct. 9 -- Auto Club Speedway
Oct. 15 -- Lowe's Motor Speedway
Oct. 23 -- Memphis Motorsports Park
Nov. 6 -- Texas Motor Speedway
Nov. 13 -- Phoenix International Raceway
Nov. 20 -- Homestead-Miami Speedway
Date / Site
Feb. 12 -- Daytona International Speedway
March 6 -- Atlanta Motor Speedway
March 27 -- Martinsville Speedway
May 2 -- Kansas Speedway
May 14 -- Dover International Speedway
May 21 -- Lowe's Motor Speedway
June 4 -- Texas Motor Speedway
June 12 -- Michigan International Speedway
June 18 -- Milwaukee Mile
June 26 -- Memphis Motorsports Park
July 11 -- Iowa Speedway
July 16 -- Gateway International Raceway
July 23 -- O'Reilly Raceway Park
July 31 -- Pocono Raceway
Aug. 7 -- Nashville Superspeedway
Aug. 18 -- Bristol Motor Speedway
Aug. 27 -- Chicagoland Speedway
Sept. 3 -- Kentucky Speedway
Sept. 18 -- New Hampshire Motor Speedway
Sept. 25 -- Las Vegas Motor Speedway
Oct. 23 -- Martinsville Speedway
Oct. 30 -- Talladega Superspeedway
Nov. 5 -- Texas Motor Speedway
Nov. 12 -- Phoenix International Raceway
Nov. 19 -- Homestead-Miami Speedway
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include: "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a
day."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick with duct tape.
passed by a Congress that hasn't read it and whose members will be exempt from it,
signed by a president who smokes, funded by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes,
overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that is broke.
What could possibly go wrong?
· Life is sexually transmitted.
· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 4-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Birmingham, AL has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats....
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato..
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus..
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . .. . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . .. .having money.
At age 50 success is . ... Having money.
At age 70 success is .. .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants...
Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day..
Have a wonderful day with many ! *smiles*
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'
They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.
They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY :
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote and their vote equals ours and they also reproduce!
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
J uvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHO, ULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park :(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:,
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Now some people are really stupid!!!!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Mem ber : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone :
Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
After they get the fax :
Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank : 'That might help...'
Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
(Priceless!!)
You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!
The whole world is afraid of China-made "black hearted goods".
Can you differentiate which one is made in
If the first 3 digits of the barcode are;
471 is Made in
This is our right to know, but the government and related departments never educate the public, therefore we have to RESCUE ourselves.
Nowadays, Chinese businessmen know that consumers do not prefer products "MADE IN
However, you may now refer to the barcode, remember if the first 3 digits are:
690-692…then it is MADE IN
00 - 09 …
30 - 37 …
40 - 44 …
47 ...
49 … JAPAN
50 …
BUY
How many of you have gotten behind THIS driver!!!!!
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
<, BR>Love, Grandma
Comedy today is very different from that of just 20 or 30 years ago. How many of you remember the Hollywood Squares. A funny show! Here are some of the one liners from that show.
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh I have to add this one in, I remember it so well! I laughed most of the day and it kept popping into may head for the rest of that week!! The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up most of the show! Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde (About 30 seconds later): Loneliness! (And the audience laughed for another 10-15 minutes.) WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING! |
This is beautiful! Read this!!!
THE SNEEZE
They walked in tandem, each of the
ninety-two students filing into the already crowded
auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing ... and
the traditional caps, they looked almost .. as grown up as
they felt.
Dads swallowed hard behind broad
smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.
This class would NOT pray during
the commencements----not by choice, but because of a recent
court ruling prohibiting it.
The principal and several students
were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the
ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, ,
but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for
blessings on the graduates or their families.
The speeches were nice, but they
were routine.....until the final speech received a standing
ovation.
A solitary student walked proudly
to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a
moment, and then, it happened.
All 92 students, every single one
of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!!
The student on stage.. simply
looked at the audience and said,
'GOD BLESS YOU, each and every
one of you!' And he walked off stage...
The audience exploded into
applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to
invoke God's blessing on their future with or without
the court's approval.
Isn't this a wonderful story?
Pass it on to all your friends.........and
GOD BLESS YOU!!!!
This is a true story; it happened
at the University of Maryland .
Oh, how I wish THIS one would take
off and FILL the whole Country!!!
This is a really cool birthday calculator that will tell you some really neat things after you enter your birthday. Check it out here
Here is a movie I want to see! Keep in mind that the 40th annaversary of the Woodstock Music and Arts Festival is this Aug 15th thru 17th! This movie comes out the 14th of Aug!
http://www.filminfocus.com/focusfeatures/film/taking_woodstock
WOW! Do you remember this old show! I guess you can figure out that this was one of my favorite shows growing up!
This one is one that I LOVED! Today I wonder what was smoked when creating it! BUT I guess in the time of the Beatles and then the Monkees, this is right in line!
How about this one...do you remember it?
I could not resist putting this up here too. I ran across these three posts on Youtube of what was a fan invite screening of 10 minutes of the new movie then they were to watch Star Trek Wrath of Kahn, considered to be one of the best. Well apparantly the movie burned and could not be played. BUT at the last second a suprise guest saved the day...
If you decide to have your own web site or one for your business, you may want to write it down and look at it for a while before you actually get it...
1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com
2. 'Experts Exchange' is a know, ledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: exp, ertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island .' It can be fou, nd at: www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at: www.powergenitalia.com
6. 'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com
7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site: http://www.speedofart.com/
Have a fun day! Just be careful what you name YOUR new web site!
People ask me all the time why I love old VWs and why in the world do I drive an old bus...Well this video explaines it fairly well.
This is just a cute VW comercial from England.
Most people agree that our country has quite a few problems that need to be addressed. Personally I believe the current lack of leadership is making things worse. The current occupants of the White House are selling us out and trashing the Declaration of Independance, AND the Constitution. They are activly removing the work of the Founding Fathers from the memory of the People. Here is a NON-PARTISAN group that is trying to get this country back on track. Back to the ideals and ideas of the Founding Fathers, Back to the Constitution...the true law of the land. Listen to their song. I am not pushing this group...just saying it makes you think.
http://www.bornagainamerican.org/
In April 1974, according to Rolling Stone, Ray Stevens' novelty hit "The Streak" has led to naked runners at concerts by Yes, Gregg Allman and The Beach Boys, victimized by their own Mike Love and Dennis Wilson.
World's oldest stash found!
This is too funny...
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock , will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape . Always remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. And finally, a daily thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. |
This is pretty funny! I love KISS but I don't think I wanna do this to any of my bugs!
What music would you have played at your funeral?
According to this aritcle, there is some music that is rather popular for funerals! What would you play at yours? What would you have played at your significant other's funeral? Just for fun e-mail your list to me at todd.prater@citcomm.com Here are some that have been reciently submitted.
My Sister (who will remain anonymous so I will not tell you her name is Twoie Prater Ramos) sugested this one; Keg on My Coffin by Chris Trapper.
The End-- the Doors
Stairway to Heaven--Led Zepplin
Seasons in the Sun--Terry Jacks
Hello Goodbye---The Beatles
At my funeral;
Don't Fear The Reaper --Blue Oyster Cult and One Toke Over the Line--Brewer and Shiply.
